Well tomorrow is the first day of March... ALREADY! Remember it was just January 1, 2010? Remember it was just January 1, 2000?!?!?!?!?! Why does time fly? Why does my life pass me by? Could it be that as Solomon once said, "everything is meaningless"? I truly think this is it...I mean, it is the Word of God, so I KNOW it is right. Ecclesiastes 2:11 says, "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun." TRUTH. Truth is exactly what this Word speaks to my heart. It takes me back to Psalm 127:1 and 2... "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat-for he grants sleep to those he loves." Since this semester started..7 weeks have passed... I have worked approximately 100 hours (working with age 4-12), done 12 hours in a 4 and 5 year old classroom, been in classes for about 84 hours (not counting some homework time)... AND spent about less than 10 hours with family... AND waaaaayyyy less with the King of all kings, the Desire of my heart, the Lord God Almighty... What's my point? I have toiled like never before... all is meaningless without Him. Solomon's words ring so true because not only have I felt overwhelmed by it but when I step back for some perspective I realize that I've been spiritually asleep for the whole 7 weeks. When I am far from Him, (He is never far from me, He will never leave me or forsake me, I simply ignore Him-which is so utterly sinful) I am a lost little girl, alone in the dark.. at least it seems that way. But He is so sweet, so calm, so peaceful, so lovely... He gently calls me to Him... I make up my excuses, I'm tired, I have so much to do.... etc. And you want to know the even SICKER part??? I have watched more tv than I'd like to admit... Ug. I'm doing the very thing that Eric and Leslie Ludy have talked about. They talked about how this world, the enemy, and our flesh like to make us believe we are TIRED, we need to VEGITATE, we need some DOWNTIME. But this is a lie! And you know how I know?!? Because Jesus, my Beautiful Christ, He IS REST. He is PEACE, QUIET. There is no such thing as downtime in His kingdom! When we are walking in the Spirit, when He is living in and through us, we are TRULY ALIVE! This is not to say we won't get physically tired, but if our emotions, spirit and mind are really living in Him (as I claim) then we aren't spent at the end of the day. I'm ready for more of Him! I'm ready to tackle the enemy! I'm ready to serve others with no breaks! Oh Jesus! I'm ready to sacrifice all of my belongings and self just to get more time with you...
Have I ever really experienced this? Yes, I think so... for a few moments. That's how I know this so intimately. But have I truly surrendered all to Him? Have I truly thrown myself off that glorious throne of my life so that my King can take His rightful seat? Have I truly said to Him that I am tired of me? No. Not really.
Read these lyrics to "Tired" by Nina Landis:
"I'm so tired of losing my hope.
I'm so tired of sleeping.
I'm so tired of forgetting to trust.
I'm so tired of settling.
Over and over and over again.
Over and over and over again.
Over and over and over again.
I'm so tired of chasing the wind.
I'm so tired of runnin' around.
I'm so tired of compromising.
I'm so tired of failing.
Over and over and over again.
Over and over and over again.
Over and over and over again.
I'm counting on Your mercy God!
I'm hoping in Your grace!
I'm clinging to Your mercy God!
I'm looking to Your face!
I'm so tired of forgetting tomorrow.
I'm so tired of missing today.
I'm so tired of these tears and this sorrow.
I'm so tired of running away!
I'm counting on Your mercy God!
I'm hoping in Your grace!
I'm clinging to Your mercy God!
I'm looking to Your face!
I'm looking past the veil to the other side,
where this skin on me won't be plagued with sin... on the other side.
On the other side,
where redemption lies!
I'm looking past the veil to the other side,
where this skin on me won't be plagued with sin...on the other side.
On the other side,
where perfection lies!"
As He is so passionately and tenderly pursuing me...I will count on His mercy, I will hope in His grace, I will cling to Him! He is so kind. =] I no longer want to toil away at meaningless things... I only want to spend myself on things that draw me and others to Him. I am not saying that school, work, and homework are meaningless, I am saying that without His presence and blessing they are meaningless beyond words. With Him, they are a tool. A tool in His hands! A tool that He may be using to prepare me, mold me, grow me, teach me.... It is a privilege to serve those precious children, an honor to get to know all these people that I work along side of and meet in my classes. I know that it is not in vain when I do it all in His name, in faith! As for tv and all of that, it is MEANINGLESS. It is a waste of time and energy. Lord, please purge me of anything that is not of You, anything that does not give you complete glory and honor!
Re-evaluate what you are spending your time on, you'll find His sweet presence - which is freedom!
Sari,
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but somehow I found your blog and loved reading all your posts. ...Especially this one! Oh my, I feel like it could have been me who wrote it. - ...We seem to have quite a couple things in common - I'm becoming a teacher, I'm pursuing this life for the God of the universe, I love the Ludy books... and I totally understand your current struggle. During the last couple of months I've been thinking a lot about how EVERYTHING is meaningless if God isn't there... The most exciting thing is a completely empty thing without Him, and the most simple and small thing becomes the MOST JOYFUL, MOST SATISFYING thing in the whole world. What an amazing concept!
Oh, and about not spending time with your Lord - this has been one of my recent struggles, too... And I so desperately want to spend time alone with my God every day, no matter how busy a day I'm having!
But you know what? I've always known that He is still waiting, still there and still faithful and I often kind of punished myself (because I was ashamed) by telling myself that it can't really be true that He's still there... But this time I actually EXPERIENCED Him still being here even though I am frittering away so much time and doing completely meaningless and empty things... He kept surprising me with His presence in the midst of me turning my back on Him and choosing to do want little selfish me wanted to do... He won't leave me (and you) in the selfish state we are - He won't leave us to our selfish way of living - He wants to transform our lives! I can't help but wonder at His NEVER ENDING FAITHFULNESS... It's just too beautiful, too amazing!
Oh Lord, may we KNOW you so much deeper still!
Just like you, Sari, I long to be living in Him every moment and finding my rest and comfort in HIM ALONE. I will be praying for you - for Him to do His MIGHTY work in you.
What an amazing thing it is, that we share this life and I can see your heart through this post and understand what you're writing about!
And the best part is - I live on the other side of the world!
May our Lord bless your heart and may He finish the good work He started in your life and accomplish His plan.
Salome
P.S. I'm from Switzerland. :)
...Sorry this has become such a long comment...
Salome! I am so excited to meet you (sorta!) :) I always wonder if anyone even reads this blog! Thank you for writing me! You are so right, HE is the faithful One, and He will not leave me in this state! :) I live in New Mexico in the US, so we are on opposite sides of this world, but the greatest thing is that He is what brings unity in the Spirit to people all over the place! I love it! :) It's so awesome that we have much in common, this probably means that we have much to learn from each other! I look forward to reading your blog and hopefully talking more!
ReplyDeleteI hope to be able to blog more as summer comes and I will have more time. I would love to be able to discuss things of the Lord with you!
So happy to meet you,
Sari
Sari,
ReplyDeleteI was so excited to see you answered, but I didn't write back because somehow I didn't know what to write... And I still don't... ;)
(Plus, writing in English is just always more or less of a challenge – depending on my current condition. ;))
I really loved seeing you wrote back! For quite some time now I have been hoping and praying to find someone who's pursuing this same life, the set-apart life. Now, though I still hope and believe I am going to meet people who live a little closer :), I believe it's no coincidence that I found your blog... And another interesting thing is, you actually wrote your comment on my birthday!! What a surprise! :)
I’m looking forward to talking more, too, and I’m excited to see where this will lead us!
...I’ll be expecting your next posts (but don’t feel rushed) and looking forward to getting to hear more about what the Lord is doing in your life. :)
Salome
Hi Salome!
ReplyDeleteI know that you told me that you are from Switzerland, but your English is fantastic! I never would have known that it is a challenge! I also hope to find more people living for the Lord, I totally understand.
Hope you are well!
Sari =)