Regret

The Lord is showing me how I live each day in regret. I hate this! This is not the victorious, glorious, amazing life He has purchased for me...I know this. I had not realized how regretful I've been living until the past few days.

Let me back up..

Here is where I will be honest, as ashamed as I may be tempted to feel. I struggle. I fight to be obedient and disciplined with my time. There are multiple aspects to this struggle but one is that I can easily fall into laziness and apathy. Ugh. Days will pass and although I often feel busy, at the end of the day, I don't know what I accomplished. I don't know how to break out of this cycle. When I lay down to go to sleep at night and look at what I got done, I often feel that I did not get anything done! Part of it, as I mentioned, is laziness...but another part is that I feel like I get up in the morning and suddenly it is midnight or one a.m. and the day is gone. I have no idea how to use my time effectively. I have ALWAYS struggled with this. But in this constant struggle...I have began to see how I am now living in REGRET.

That end of the day reflection comes and I just feel horrible about myself and how I don't know how to live effectively. This is so normal that I have been blind to the fact that I am not giving my time to Him, I've just accepted this fast-paced-but-accomplishing-little lifestyle as normal. But in my heart and mind, I know that this is not right. This is not the way He would have a child of His live.

I could go on and on about my struggle with time...but to just face it is this: I've been living by the whims of my flesh. Which is not okay. On days when I have been busy with school or teaching, I rush through my day with little to no peace in His love...I don't even speak to Him. I know that if I did, He would fill me up (Phil 4:4-8) but I have just been existing..not living. However, the worst part is this: I do the same thing when I have a day of freedom in my time. If I have extra time, I STILL struggle to accomplish the things that I need or want to do! It is a little bit better but I get so distracted with things that do not matter.

So, ultimately, I know how to combat these issues...before the throne of grace. I have tons of practical tools to help me through this..but I need Christ. All parts of the human life need Christ..even time management and choosing how to organize tasks. Some would probably read this and think I am being crazy to feel so strongly and think so hard about something like this.. But to me, it is huge. It is a struggle that I have had for years and years. I desire for EVERY part of my life to reflect His holiness and purity...including time, tasks, free-time, and busyness. I need JESUS.

As I said before, there are more aspects and factors to this battle, but all of them need to be placed into His wonderful hands. So to begin today, I am going clean. Simple, right? But I desperately need His out-of-this-world strength to even get through this!

Shame wants to creep up to admit that I struggle with something that seems so mundane, but I will boast in my weaknesses so that His power will be glorified! Yes, this shows how VERY weak I am, but HE is my joy and my strength! His grace is enough..

If anyone has any advice, I am completely open!